Are You Asking the Right Relationship Questions, or Just Avoiding the Tough Ones?

Written By Dana Sockolov

One of the biggest issues couples come into my sessions with is “communication issues,” which is true, but it’s not just about communication. A lack of congruent communication leads to a lack of intimacy. I don’t necessarily mean sexual intimacy, but rather emotional intimacy and feeling connected. Asking the right relationship questions can transform your relationship. As a couples therapist, I am always looking to help couples build real emotional connection and sometimes that is just by asking the right questions, even if they feel a little silly. Here are some relationship questions both partners can ask with each other:

Questions That Build Emotional Safety

  1. What do you need from me when you feel overwhelmed? This helps us show up for our partner when they might not be in the best place to communicate clearly. It gives us an opportunity to recognize their overwhelm and prevent things from escalating.

  2. When do you feel the most emotionally connected to me? Ding ding ding! Here is the answer that you can always resort to. Most people just want to be heard—- they don’t want advice or for you to fix the situation. Just sit with them in their emotions.

  3. Is there anything I do that makes you feel dismissed or unseen? DO NOT GET DEFENSIVE. Just listen and validate their emotion. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I can see why you would feel dismissed.” Take what your partner says seriously, even if you don’t agree. What they are feeling is real.  It can be hard to receive criticism from our partner, so if you need further support, this is where a couples therapist can support you.

  4. What is something you’ve been afraid to tell me lately? Again, don’t get defensive. Work on regulating your own emotions so you can be present for your partner as they share their vulnerability. Try not to go into question mode but rather “I’d love to hear more about this.”

These questions will help create safety and lead to more vulnerable conversations, which is the foundation for attachment

Questions That Invite Vulnerability

  1. What do you worry about most in our relationship?

  2. What’s something you wish I understood better about you?

  3. When have you felt the most loved by me?

  4. What’s something from your past that still affects how you show up in love?

From my therapist's lens, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) helps couples learn how to turn towards each other in these tender moments to create that bond.

Questions That Strengthen Future Connection 

  1. What does a meaningful future look like for you—and do you see us in it?

  2. How can we grow together, not just individually?

  3. What rituals or routines help you feel connected to me? Some couples make it a priority to put their phones away at meal times or during any conversation. Others love a hug and kiss before leaving the house and returning home. Or, once the kids go to bed, we sit down with each other to check in. 

  4. What would help us handle conflict in a more loving way?

You’ve probably heard that relationships are a lot of work. I disagree with that because I believe that relationships that thrive are intentional and these 12 questions help build intentionality. 

If these are not the type of questions and conversations you have with your partner, start small and again, make it intentional. Set aside some uninterrupted time and pick 2-3 of these relationship questions. Remember, deep emotional connection is not built overnight. It takes time but to get anywhere, you have to start somewhere. If you would like support exploring these questions, I offer couples therapy using EFT in person in San Diego and virtually in CA. 

Dana Sockolov