What to Expect in Your First Couples Counseling Session
I know what it’s like to begin the process of starting therapy, whether it's for your first time or you’ve had some experience. It’s a bit nerve wracking walking into a situation without knowing what to expect, especially when your relationship with your partner feels a bit rocky. You are not alone. Many couples have the same questions and concerns when starting couples therapy, and my hope is that this post will ease some anxiety.
So, what happens in the first session?
Most therapists will start by meeting with the couple together. In my initial sessions, I focus on understanding what brought the couple to therapy, why they are choosing to seek out therapy now, and their relationship history. If there is time, I will dive into each partner's personal history. I like to do this with the other partner in the room because sometimes it’s been a long while since we’ve sat quietly and heard our partner share about their upbringing and any major events that have impacted their life. We will create goals together, even if partners want different things.
For the next session or two, some couples therapists will split up the couple and do individual sessions. I prefer to take one session and split the 50 minutes between each partner (25 minutes and 25 minutes), and then come back together for session three. This is dependent on the therapist.
Common concerns people have
1. Does the therapist take sides?
Hopefully not. A good couples therapist can hold space for both partners to express how they feel and guide the conversation fairly. There is no “winner” in couples therapy.
2. Do we have to share everything?
You are always in control of how much you want to share. Especially in the beginning, people may need time to open up and feel comfortable enough to trust the therapist. Very normal!
3. What if my partner isn’t committed like me?
This happens a lot! Usually one partner is more eager to do couples therapy but that does not mean it can’t work. Oftentimes, the more “non-willing partner” feels better after the first session because they feel heard and understood by the therapist.
4. What if couples therapy makes things worse for us?
That’s a common fear when real conversations are being brought to the surface. Couples therapy will provide you with tools to navigate these tough moments in a healthier way. In my experience, I have found that working through the tough stuff in a different way in couples therapy actually creates connection, not disconnection.
How might you feel for your first session in couples therapy?
Probably a lot of different feelings! Most of my new couples are anxious or nervous! By the end of the first session, I almost always see the difference in their posture and demeanor as they’ve become more comfortable. It’s normal to feel scared, vulnerable, exposed or even defensive at first. You may also feel relieved you’re getting help and you don’t have to handle this on your own!
What happens after the first session?
By the end of the first session, hopefully you’ll have a clearer sense of direction and first steps. You probably won’t walk away with everything solved, but you will have a roadmap for where you’re going. In my practice, I use Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), which means that we’ll get to the heart of what keeps you stuck in the same cycle or patterns, and work towards deeper connection.
If I could make one suggestion about seeking couples therapy. PLEASE don’t wait until your relationship is falling apart and couples therapy is your last attempt at making the relationship work. Work through your biases around couples therapy and give it a shot EARLIER than later. If you’re curious how couples therapy can support your relationship, reach out to schedule a free 15 minute consultation.
