Anxiety in Relationships: How It Shows Up and What to Do

Imagine you’re in a relationship and it’s something you’ve wanted for a really long time. You probably thought that once you got into a relationship everything would be great, right? Some people deal with relationship anxiety. This means that they experience worry, doubt or fear that their partner may not feel the same way about them or that the relationship might be ending. This is actually pretty common. There are so many factors that can contribute to the reasons why we might experience anxiety in our relationships: social media comparisons, our attachment styles, and past relationship wounds. If you are somebody that deals with this type of anxiety, you know it can be emotionally distressing and cause tension between you and your partner.

So, what exactly is relationship anxiety?

In the early stages of a relationship, it’s normal that you might feel a little unsure if your partner likes you as much as you like them. Let’s call this the honeymoon phase. It’s usually short-lived and fades as trust builds.

Now relationship anxiety is more intense and it can pop up at any point into a healthy relationship. This type of thinking and feeling pattern is a persistent worry and doubt that is disproportionate to what is actually happening in the relationship. Let’s say you had a small argument with your partner. A healthy response might be “I hope we can talk more about this and move forward.” Somebody with relationship anxiety jumps to the worst-case scenario and wonders “Are they falling out of love with me?”

Here are two examples. It’s your anniversary and you’re out to dinner. Your partner seems quiet and instead of thinking “they’re probably tired,” you wonder if you did something wrong or they’re upset with you. You may even go as far as thinking that the relationship might be in trouble.  

Another example: We live in the world of texting where we can misinterpret everything. Your partner doesn’t respond in their usual timely fashion. If you’re experiencing relationship anxiety, you might assume the worst, go back through the messages and overanalyze the conversation, or look for a hidden meaning as to why they’re being distant and pulling away.

This form of anxiety might sound a lot like “what if… they leave without warning, they don’t love me anymore, they find someone more beautiful, I did something wrong, history repeats itself and I get cheated on again, etc.

6 signs of relationship anxiety

  1. Do I matter to my partner? Your partner makes a mistake and forgets that you had dinner plans. Anxiety tells you that if they cared enough about you, they wouldn’t have forgotten. Do they even want to be with me?

  2. Doubting your partner’s feelings. You probably know this term as reassurance. Your partner says “I love you” but you might say “are you sure?”

  3. Worrying that they want to break up. Any type of disruption in the relationship feels like the beginning of the end.

  4. Doubting long-term compatibility. A small disagreement leaves you questioning whether you two are compatible for the long road.

  5. Sabotaging the relationship. Feeling the need to test the relationship by picking a fight and seeing how your partner reacts.

  6. Reading into every word or action. Being super aware and over analyzing texts and tones, and assuming they are losing interest.


What causes relationship anxiety?

Previous relationships: was there infidelity, betrayal or ghosting? Did your partner do something that left you feeling uncertain about the status of your relationship?

Low self-esteem: when we don’t feel good enough, our perception of the relationship can be distorted and it feels very threatening to the security of the relationship.

Attachment style: with an anxious attachment style, you might seek closeness and reassurance more than your partner desires. Take a quiz here to find out your attachment style: https://www.attachmentproject.com/attachment-style-quiz/

My guess is you probably tend to overthink and hyper analyze situations. This gives you a sense of control so that you can protect yourself from surprises. Other reasons that cause relationship anxiety can be trauma and OCD.

How do we deal with relationship anxiety?

Keep your identity in check: it’s very natural that as the relationship unfolds, compromises are made since we are blending two people and their lives. But be careful not to lose your sense of self! When we accommodate too far, we fall out of alignment with what matters to us.

Stay present and be mindful of those thoughts! You know which ones I’m talking about… “what if.” When you start to hear that language in your brain, anxiety is present. Use your thought log! Don’t know what that is? Here is an example: https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/thought-log

Practice healthy communication: most often anxiety comes from within but if there’s something that your partner is doing that you notice is triggering your anxiety, have a conversation; WITHOUT BLAMING. “I notice when you are on your phone at the dinner table, my anxiety skyrockets because I go to a place of feeling not good enough and that you’d rather be somewhere else.”

Don’t act on every feeling: feelings come and go. When you’re feeling anxious, it can be difficult not to send another text or ask for reassurance, but this can lead to arguments. Recognize when you are reassurance seeking and when the urge presents itself, distract yourself by calling a friend or going for a walk.

Therapy can help! Sometimes we can’t do it on our own. Therapy can help with understanding the underlying source of the anxiety, listening to your partners experience without judgment and learning how to sit with the discomfort before deciding what action to take next.

What if you are in a relationship with an anxious partner?

My guess is that it is exhausting for you too! It’s probably testing your patience and you might be quicker to shut it down. We want to show empathy for the worry and stress your partner is feeling but we don’t want to enable the anxious behavior, such as constantly giving into the reassurance. Example: you stayed later at work and gave them a head’s up. Your partner texts you several times asking where you are and when you’re coming home. Instead of snapping, you might respond by saying “I can see that you are feeling anxious and I’d love to talk about it with you when I get home.”

Whether you are the partner that is experiencing the relationship anxiety or the one on the receiving end, you are not alone. Some anxiety in a relationship is normal, but when it becomes chronic, it is harmful to the relationship. With self-awareness and the right tools and strategies to cope, relationship anxiety can be managed or overcome. If you feel like you need the support of a therapist to guide you through this time in your life, please reach out.

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